Features The Celestial Toymaker

Published on June 26th, 2014 | by Jonathan Appleton

Top 5 Rides For A Doctor Who Theme Park

Hasn’t the World Cup been exciting? Great skill, terrific goals, heated controversy…

What’s that you say? Football’s not your thing? You fancy a day out instead? A trip to the funfair should do it! How about the new Doctor Who Theme Park that’s just opened in Stockbridge? They’ve got all sorts of exciting things there!

Kasterborous presents for you a sneak preview of the top five Doctor Who rides!!!

Celestial Toymaker’s Playroom

End Game

In which you’ll be guided by a weird bloke dressed as a mandarin who says he only wants to play a few games with you. All seems nice enough and a couple of your party even manage to win a couple of rounds until there’s this really complicated Trilogic Game and you get, like, all confused and stuff, cos you’ve never even played it before and it’s just, like, so unfair cos he’s played it loads of times before so he wins and then he starts getting really nasty and brings out all his death stuff until you, like, do an impression of him and that defeats him.

The Land of Fiction

The Mind Robber - Jamie

This is a big white room, almost a void really, where slow moving robots and slow moving toy soldiers will hunt you. One of your party will change appearance after you get mixed up on a rearrange-the-picture type game but don’t worry because he’ll come back as he should be soon enough. And the replacement friend will be happy because he’ll be able to put it on his CV and go to conventions on the strength of it.

The Matrix

The Deadly Assassin clown

Calm down, it hasn’t got Keanu Reeves is it. Here you’ll be stranded in an imaginary reality that very quickly gets very painful when you get your foot trapped by the model railway. Keep quiet about it for goodness sake; Health and Safety would have a field day with that.

It doesn’t get any more pleasant when someone tries to drown you in the water slide and this old lady who’s watching complains and tries to get the whole horrid thing shut down.

The Psychic Circus

Greatest Show in the Galaxy

Enjoy the magnificent Psychic Circus but watch out for the deadly clowns who have the place in their grip. When you beat them by turning the Gods’ power against them (it’ll work, I promise) there’s a really good bit when you saunter away looking all casual and it explodes behind you and you don’t even flinch. It’ll burn the clothes off your backside but it’ll look so cool.

Warehouse on the Ood Sphere

Planet of the Ood - Tenth Doctor

One for the video game fans, this one. You get trapped in this big warehouse full of boxes and this bloke operating a big claw thing tries to grab you with it and you have to evade him.

Not much more to it than that, really.

But there’s a big brain there as well and a gross bit where a bloke’s head splits open and he turns into an alien, which is quite good I suppose.

Disclaimer

There isn’t really a Doctor Who Theme Park, readers. Of course there isn’t! (This is merely inspired by a forum thread.) But if there were, what would be your top ride?

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About the Author

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has watched Doctor Who since those great big spiders did for Jon Pertwee, and it's way too late to stop now. When he's not at his job working for a charity he spends his time following Hull City's fortunes, listening to Bruce Springsteen and wondering why it took thirty years too long for Doctor Who action figures to come along. Currently listening to: The Fifth Doctor Box Set. By, it were a crowded old TARDIS in them days...



9 Responses to Top 5 Rides For A Doctor Who Theme Park


  1. Screw you, I thought this was legit when I read the opening paragraph and I got all excited.
    As the Doctor once said: ‘You gave me hope and then you took it away. That’s enough to make anyone dangerous. God knows what it will do to me.’

  2. avatar TonyS says:

    You could add the thrill-seeking ride towards the Hydrogen Inrush. Of course, that’d have to be the first thing you tried…

  3. avatar Christine says:

    Lovely article and great imagination! The only thing I am missing is the Dalek City where your legs will be paralysed, where you will get sick due to (fake?) radiation, and where it is very unwise to pick an item from a table laden with wonderful fresh food as there are Daleks hiding in the corners and their weapons no longer are set for paralyse, but kill. however, you can survive all this by shutting down the power!

  4. avatar CJLP88 says:

    Dalek Asylum Funhouse.

  5. avatar Perry Armstrong says:

    Surely the most exciting Dr Who themed ride would be based on the ‘Planet of the Spiders’ episode two chase scene. Those waiting impatiently for their turn sit in a circle angrily chanting “Om Mani Padme Hum”, whilst those who’ve completed the ride receive a souvenir Spider Backpack.

  6. avatar TonyS says:

    The Tombs of Telos Haunted House

  7. avatar Howard Railton says:

    The Dalek Asylum is crying out for that…

  8. avatar TonyS says:

    ten-pin bowling with Quarks?

  9. avatar Zontar says:

    The Logopolis Climbing Wall

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