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The Valeyard Awaits the Call

So, it would appear that a big screen version of my past lives could move from a vague alternate reality into existence in the next few years.

I know, I know, I was vaguely underwhelmed by the news myself. At least I was until I received an unusual email from the BBC. I ignored it for some time as I merely presumed it would be requesting the pickled head of John Barrowman to be returned after my last visit.

It was Lord Stormageddon, my faithful lackey, that noticed that it was in fact a job offer and promptly brought it to my attention. It would appear that wiser heads are starting to take notice of BBC Gallifrey and have decided that fresh blood is needed if the series is to regenerate into a franchise to rival that ridiculous spectacled child. With that in mind they have taken the wise step of offering the part to myself.

A shrewd move to be sure.

Although I have not appeared on the screen as myself since 1986 I felt comfortable enough in playing myself that I Emailed back to open negotiations.

Not that any of this is set in stone you understand. I have certain… conditions. Most of which I am still waiting to hear back from the BBC about.

I feel confident that my request for my own changing room and an unlimited supply of Chilli Heatwave Doritos will be approved with little fuss. However my insistence in having my immediately prior self and his ginger side kick in the film should also cause little difficulty.  My suggestion of actually fatally injuring my past self to save on regeneration effects may prove a little trickier to negotiate, but I’d settle for being allowed to torture his little hanger-on.

Of course should they prove unwilling or unavailable to suffer for their art then I’d settle for my sixth self and his companion. As long as I get a Doctor and a ginger companion I’ll consider it.

So, dear reader, while nothing is certain quite yet I think you will be able to look forward to me appearing on the big screen in time for my 50th Anniversary.

Unless they cast Benedict Cumberbatch…

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