Published on March 22nd, 2011 | by Patrick Riley
Baker Sighting Leaves Locals Shaken
CAMBRIDGE: Last Saturday, in the Pitt Building on Trumpington Street, Colin Baker, the man who is believed by authorities to have portrayed the sixth incarnation of the central character in science-fiction serial Doctor Who between 1984 and 1986, was spotted writing his name all over other people’s property at the Cambridge Science Festival.
Witnesses on the scene insist that he was doing so on request; however this may be a mere cover story contrived by a mysterious underground organization known as F.A.N.S. (Fellas And Nerdy Sisters) who were also seen in the area attending a Doctor Who exhibition as part of the Festival.
Mr. Ben Steele, seven, was one such bystander who found himself violated by Mr. Baker’s signature:
â€œI want to see the Daleks. I definitely know theyâ€™re not real robots though as Iâ€™ve seen one before with a person inside.Â I like the new Doctor Matt Smith but David Tennant was just as good.â€
Steele was one of many present who were declared incurably insane after making preposterous comments similar to the affirmation that Daleks aren’t real.Â Medical practitioners have directly linked this condition to symptoms of English calligraphy reading “Colin Baker” existing somewhere within a twelve-foot radius of the patient.
It seems Mr. Baker has since left the premises and investigators are sounding the all-clear, nonetheless cautioning the public against future appearances of Colour-Coated Colin.
An anonymous insider (definitely NOT the writer of this article) provided these instructions to ensure your personal safety:
“I must insist that Mr. Baker is dangerous and armed with a ballpoint pen at ALL times.Â If you ever approached this suspect, it is important that you halt any of his attempts to autograph any part of your body or clothing.Â Simply back away, say, ‘No thanks, I thought Terror of the Vervoids was rubbish,’ and report the encounter to your local Kasterborous Shadow Proclamation representative as soon as possible.”
Meanwhile, if you wish to attend the Doctor Who exhibition, which features Smilers, Judoon, Clockwork Droids, and Daleks, or just the Cambridge Science Festival in general, you have until Sunday 27 March to do so.