If you’re like me, you’ve probably already stopped wondering who this River Song woman is and have simply accepted her as an occasional bonus companion whenever the Doctor’s situation looks especially bleak.Â But the time is upon us to fire up our brain’s curiosity motors once again, because the mysteries surrounding River, as played by Alex Kingston, will soon be solved!
We know this because Steven Moffat said so himself in Doctor Who: The Brilliant Book 2011 (available for pre-order on Amazon for just Â£7.49):
Thatâ€™s absolutely coming. Youâ€™re going to find out [River's true identity] very soon, and that means we have to do it next series, reallyâ€¦
The critical thing here is I want to explain who she is, not explain away who she is. If you donâ€™t deliver on most peopleâ€™s expectations, and you just say, â€˜Ooh, sheâ€™s a specially programmed android who believes sheâ€™s the Doctorâ€™s wife,â€™ people will go, â€˜Thatâ€˜s a cheat.â€™
You canâ€™t do thatâ€¦ Itâ€™s a really good story, and itâ€™s sort of the story of next year.
Perhaps I’m digging a little deep here, but did the Grand Moff just say that River believes she’s the Doctor’s wife?Â Yes, I know Moffat was just making up something that isn’t going to happen (like the android bit), but it still sounds like he’s suggesting that River at least thinks she’s been wedded to the Doctor, which is at least a step closer to knowing whether she actually has been.
Of course, that could be a completely bogus theory as well, and to be honest I’m not sure I believe it myself.Â Personally, I think that River is actually…
Wait a moment, I’ve got a better idea.Â Tell you what – you give me some of your theories about River in the comments and I’ll give you mine.Â As my old high school economics teacher whose course I dropped two weeks into the penultimate year of my secondary education used to say, “There’s no such thing as a free lunch!”