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Published on January 19th, 2009 | by Nick Brown

…And It’s Smithy on the Ball…

So the waiting is over. The speculation can cease. The wish lists can stop being drawn up. Matt Smith will be the 11th Doctor.

So who is Matt Smith? A quick flick through his cv (that’s curriculum vitae meaning ‘course of life’ for those of us posh and clever enough to have studied Latin; or ‘resumé’ for American readers) tells us that he has appeared on BBC television in Ruby In The Smoke and The Shadow In The North alongside our very own (‘our very own’ indeed…huh, listen to me…!) Billie Piper. Not only that, but he also teamed up with her in Secret Diary Of A Call Girl.

His theatre work includes Swimming With Sharks, Murder In The Cathedral and The History Boys.

Most exciting of all, though, is that Matt Smith used to be a footballer! (Again, for our American readers, that’s ‘footballer’ in the proper sense, as in one who uses his feet and a ball rather than that American pseudo-ruby game that pretends to be football.) He played in the youth team of his local club Northampton and also had spells at Nottingham Forest and Leicester City (pronounced ‘Lester City’ and not ‘Lie-sester City’, you across-the-pond types).

(At this point, I must underline that I have nothing against Americans as it may have thus far appeared. I think you are great, especially if you are Mickey Mouse, Oliver Hardy or work in Hooters! Also, it is official that The Golden Corral is the best restaurant in the entire world!)

(I also promise not to use any more brackets as I seem to have gone into bracket overload.)

I digress.

Unfortunately for poor old Matt, he was forced to give up football due to injury. So, acting it was. Which got me thinking. Which other sportsmen could have been cast as the Doctor? Wouldn’t it be great to see David Beckham at the TARDIS controls? Or Tiger Woods? Or Andy Murray? We could make a case for each…

Firstly, David Beckham. With his celebrity friends we could have some fabulous guest appearances…Emma Bunton as one of the Adipose, Tom Hanks could be Sabalom Glitz, Michael Douglas would make a great Davros, Tom Cruise as Sil and not forgetting Victoria Beckham as the Doctor’s faithful companion. Plus, of course, he and his posh wife could start naming their children after where they were conceived again as they did with Brooklyn. I can’t wait for the announcement that Skaro Beckham had been born. Or Zero-Room Beckham. Or, my personal favourite, Raxacoricofallapatorius Beckham.

Next, Tiger Woods. He’d certainly be able to take David Tennant’s grin to the next level. Have you ever seen such white teeth? When he flashes that smile I do tend to turn to the sunglasses. Aside from the gnasher flashing, Woodsy would no doubt stick around for a fair while. Doggedly after Jack Nicklaus’ record of 18 major titles and not resting until he passes the great man, Tiger would deem it a failure if anybody were to play the title role longer than he, so he’d stay for at least the 7 years of Tom Baker. So the show’s longevity would be in safe hands.

(I’m about to break my bracket promise…I do apologise…)

And what about Andy Murray? He’s a mixture of all his predecessors. What do I mean? Well, he’s Scottish (McCoy and Tennant); he’s got a reputation for being a bit grumpy (Hartnell); he has a shock of curly hair (both Bakers); he has a brother in the same line of work (McGann); the aforementioned brother is called Jamie and they play doubles together so it is often just him and Jamie left to sort things out (Troughton); he’s a bit of an action man (Pertwee); at Wimbledon last year he was desperately unlucky to go out at the wrong time as was the 5th Doctor who regenerated just as Peri joined the TARDIS crew (Davison); after a row in a restaurant in Wales once he stopped talking to the head waiter, causing a rift in Cardiff (Eccleston).

But it’s none of those. Matt Smith it is. I’m sure he’ll do a great job. I’m just looking forward to the time he plays ‘keepy-uppy’ in the console room, which with Executive Producer Piers “Arsene” Wenger overseeing things, is bound to happen.

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