Published on December 4th, 2005 | by Brian A Terranova
Thoughts of a Toberman
It has recently come to our attention that Toberman, the servant of Kaftan, had kept a diary during his time on Telos. In fact he bought it for that very trip. It is our understanding that his master never took him anywhere and he suddenly became very excited about the thought of traveling to a new world.
The year is sometime after 2570; Toberman is not that specific in his writing. Women have apparently reverted back to a time when they are too delicate to do a “man’s” work and people can have other people as their “servants”.
The future does seem all-progress doesn’t it?
Now it is our pleasure to bring to you the final thoughts of the last servant in the galaxy.
“We made it here. Toberman is finally getting to see the universe. Toberman can taste freedom, but Toberman is not happy. Toberman’s pants are too tight, and people are yelling at Toberman to get off of the mountain that Toberman has just overcome.”
He goes on for a bit about how upset he is and after a while the writings become a series of nonsensical grunts and growls and “Hulk Smash” and so on.
“We are in the building, and it is wondrous, Toberman want to go see it all, but they make him stay with women. They think Toberman no better then a woman. Toberman is a slave… no: “servant.”
We get the understanding that Toberman has women issues as he devoted the next 12 passages to the matter, but once again we are not able to decipher all the writing, however, this snippet was found to be legible:
“I have the strength to crush all of their heads, but still they speak to Toberman as if he is a little girls. Toberman sad, and pants are starting to chafe.”
It is unclear just how upset that Toberman is in his present situation of being a slave.. er, “servant”, or if he is more upset about something else.
Curiously enough, passages 18 through 23 describe in full detail how the logic systems of the Cybermen base work, but as this is so inconsistent with the rest of Toberman’s writing, we will chalk this up to someone else picking up the wrong book.
“Mistress Kaftan pinch Toberman’s bottom today. Toberman sick of being boy toy. Toberman want to be free man.”
“Klieg pinch Toberman’s bottom today, Toberman wish he could bash Klieg’s skull in.”
Passages 26, 29, 34 through 39, and 42 all focus on this same sort of frustration.
But soon things take a drastic change.
“Toberman has been married. Nice men have given Toberman a big silver ring for his arm. Toberman will have to change his name to Cyberman. Change name? Again Toberman is thought of as a Woman! Toberman no change name! Toberman Smash!”
He continues in passages 48 and 49 about how the Cybermen were able to calm him down, although he thinks that removing part of his brain may have done this. But nonetheless he does not abandon his diary.
“Cyberman have sent Cyberm- TOBERman to kill humans. Toberman sees chance to smash Klieg’s head in now.”
“Toberman feel much better now. Klieg will touch Cyberm- TOBERman no more.”
“Mistress dead, Cyberman killed mistress… what will Toberman do? Toberman WILL DESTROY!”
Unfortunately this is where the diary ends, we understand that he could not write in the diary anymore after his death.
Thankfully his thoughts were persevered by a sole surviving Cybermat who picked his pocket and brought his diary all the way back to Earth for us to read and contemplate.
As you read this, the diary is being serialized and an autobiography is being written. Movies are being made about the man and the torment he had to endure, but nothing will ever have the impact the Diaries of Toberman truly hold. How could one man have worn pants that tight?